If a man can walk a week in a fortnight

How long would it take to count the hairs a Donkey's backside?

As long as it would take for a beetle to swim across a barrel

of treacle with it's legs tied behind it's ears.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

"My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow."

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"

The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Rocky and BB

Two old friends, each well into their eighties, were heading out for dinner on a Tuesday evening. After Blanche drove straight through a stop sign, Elizabeth became concerned, but didn't want to embarrass Blanche so she held her tongue. After Blanche drove through a red light without stopping, Elizabeth became very concerned.

"Blanche, you just drove through a stop sign and red light without stopping. You're getting very careless and dangerous in your old age," Elizabeth chided.

A very startled Blanche replied, "Oh, am I driving?"

I went to the market with my brother Jim

When somebody threw a tomato at him

But tomatoes are soft and they won't hurt the skin,

But this bugga did, it was wrapped in a tin.

If a woman's bra is an upper decker flopper stopper

And a jock strap is a lower decker kn*cker checker

And a musical toilet roll is a super duper asshole scooper

What's a Japanese Boxer who's Dad's got Dysentery?

A slap happy Jappy with a cr*p happy pappy.

Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now." "Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t."

1. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

2. I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.

3. I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.

5. I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.

6. I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park. That is wrong on so many levels.

7. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my Grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

8. When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

9. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

10. It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

A couple of blondes in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blondes walked in the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”

The clerk said, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”

The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck. She returned a minute later and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”

“Alright. How long do you need them?”

The blonde paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.” After awhile, she returned to the office and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”

On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”

She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”

Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”

 A blonde and a brunette worked in a factory. The brunette says, "I know how to get some time off from work!" "How?" asks the blonde. "Watch this," says the brunette. She climbs up to the rafter and hangs upside down. The boss walks in, sees her and says, "What on earth are you doing?" "I'm a lightbulb," she answers. "I think you need some time off," says the boss so she jumps down and walks out. The blonde starts walking out, too. "Where are YOU going?" says the boss. The blonde replies, "I can't work in the dark!"

  A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well", he replied.  "I said I was 87!"

  The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the bride, enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile and says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The husband rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He says at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn``t see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn``t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.