Genius Dog


A butcher is busy at work when notices a dog in his shop. He shoos the dog away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and
notices that the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note which reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."


The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a
bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.


The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the
street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to
change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher
is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.


Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at
the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.


The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, stands on his hind legs and pushes the button to
stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, with the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He
walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He
goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down
the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks
back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.


The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"


"Clever, my ass," the guy responds, "This is the second time this week he's forgotten his
key!"==========================

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

 Two men walked into a bar, you'd have thought one of 'em would have seen it.

A young couple walk into a hotel. "We'd like a room, please,"


says the man. "My wife and I were just married this morning."


"Congratulations," says the desk clerk. "Would you like the


bridal?" "No, thanks," replies the husband. "I'll hold her by


the ears until she gets the hang of it!"

A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.

The maid, with her Gallic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."

The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing.

"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"

"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"

"No, Madam," said the maid. "Not your husband ... the mail man!"

An elderly woman who was driving at an excessive speed was chased by a police officer who ordered her to pull over.

A police officer saw an old woman driving at top speed along the highway, and looking into her car, he was shocked to discover that the woman was knitting. 

Upon that discovery, the officer switched on the sirens of his vehicle and went after the woman, but soon discovered that she was oblivious of his presence. 

Driving up next to her, the officer wound down his window, and with his bullhorn, yelled at her, ordering her to pull over.  To the officer's surprise, the woman looked up, utterly confused, and yelled back at the officer, saying, "No! It's a scarf!"

Here is another similar joke. A police officer on patrol duty pulled a woman over for driving at an excessive speed. The officer asked the woman about her identity. 

She replied, saying, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya, and I am visiting my daughter in Tallahassee." 

The officer, hearing the woman's name, put away his summons book and pen, telling her not to let him catch her speeding again. 

IT WAS ON A MIDSUMMER'S DAY IN THE WINTER AND THE SNOW WAS RAINING FAST WHEN A BAREFOOTED GIRL WITH SHOES ON STOOD SITTING IN THE GRASS. WHEN SHE SAID I COME BEFORE YOU AND STAND BEHIND YOU AND SAY A FEW WORDS BEFORE I SPEAK TO YOU...!

2 DEAD MEN GOT UP TO FIGHT

ONE BLIND MAN TO SEE FAIR PLAY

AND TWO DUMB MEN TO SHOUT HOORAY

What did the ocean say to the sand?
Nothing — it just waved.

Why couldn’t the sailor learn his alphabet?
He kept getting lost at C.

What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits.

What do cows most like to read?
Cattle-logs.

What do you call an unpredictable camera?
A loose Canon.

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.

Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
Then it’d be a foot.

Why is the grass so dangerous?
It’s full of blades.

How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch.

The bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant & at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods & climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired & irritated & begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down & glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?" "No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little!!!"

If four witches were watching four watches

Which witch would watch which watch?

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife. She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?

Mary had a wristwatch

She swallowed it one day

And now she's taking Senokot 

To pass the time away 

Mary had as little lamb

It's fleece was black as soot

And everywhere that Mary went

It's sooty foot he put

  Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now." "Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t."

• "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."

• "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."

• "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?" "In case they get a hole in one!"

• "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera."

• "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?" "They're both Paris sites."

• "What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?" "Sofishticated."

• "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?" "You follow the fresh prints."

• "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?" "Pilgrims."

• "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along."

  A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies. 
"What's wrong with you?" The barman says. "In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies. "We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park. He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman. "It's all right officer, I'm just sh*gging the wife," he says. "Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop. 
The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!" 

A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment.  
The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding.  
She looks at her husband and asks, “What did he say?”  
The husband replies, “He said he stopped you for speeding.”  
The officer asked the elderly female for her driver’s license and she turned and asked her husband, “What did he say?  
The husband replies, “he wants to see your driver’s license.”  
The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town.  
The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst sexual experience of his life there.  
The women looks at her husband and asked, “What did he say?”  
The husband replies, “He says he knows you.”