The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

A man went in for a brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon. He could choose either the Architect's brain which would cost him $10,000 or the Politician's which was $100,000."Does that mean that the politician's brain is much better than the Architect's?" exclaimed the clearly puzzled man."not exactly" replied the surgeon, "the politician's has never been used."

A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out."

Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone.

After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?"

The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."

A policeman pulls over an old man in a pickup truck because the bed of his truck is full of ducks. The officer says, “Sir, it is unacceptable to have this flock of ducks downtown, take them to the Zoo this instant!” The old man confirms that he will and drives off. The next day the officer sees the same man in the same truck still full of ducks. Only this time all the ducks are wearing sunglasses. The officer pulls him over again and yells, “I told you to take these ducks to the Zoo!” The old man replies, “I did! But now the little buggers want to go to the beach!”

H - "Hello?" W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" H - "Yes." W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" H - "What's the price?" W - "Only $1,500.00." H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..." W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." H-"What price did he quote you?" W - "Only $60,000..." H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..." H - "What?" W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property." H - "How much are they asking?" W - "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?" W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" H - "Bye...I love u too..." The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton 

of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

 

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.  The wife asks 

him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

 

He replied, "They had eggs."

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequila. He looks at them and says "OK" and pours their shots.

They all clink glasses and and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied. They look back to the bartender and decide to order another round. This time they pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell " Only 51 days!"

The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking about and asks them what they mean by "Only 51 days".

One of the blondes looks at him and says "Well," looking very smug. "We "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us Only 51 Days.....and on the box it said 4-7 years"

"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive 

  A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K 


After being married for forty years, a wife asked her husband to 

describe her. He looked at her for a while, then said: "You're an 

alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." 

She asks: "What the hell does that mean?" 

He said: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, 

Gorgeous and Hot". 

She smiled happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?" 

He said: "I'm Just Kidding!" 

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly 

optimistic about saving his testicles.

                                         Two women are chatting and one says to the other, Dennis asked me to make him the Happiest man in the world and marry him, Oh that's a tough one the other replied which did you choose?

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl  Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't  that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his  balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to  leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North  said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he  gets.'

A blonde in a powder blue Mercedes convertible is pulled over for speeding.

What's your father's occupation?' asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

'He's a conjurer, Ma'am,' said the new boy.
'How interesting. What's his favourite trick?'
'He saws people in half.'
'Gosh! now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?'
'One half brother and two half sisters.'