H - "Hello?" W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" H - "Yes." W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" H - "What's the price?" W - "Only $1,500.00." H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..." W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." H-"What price did he quote you?" W - "Only $60,000..." H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..." H - "What?" W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property." H - "How much are they asking?" W - "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?" W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" H - "Bye...I love u too..." The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?

An elderly man pondered whether his wifes hearing was deteriorating. One night he crept up behind the sofa where she was seated and said " Darling, can you hear anything?". No response. So he moved a bit closer and asked her again. Still no response. He then moved right up to her ear and asked again. She shouted "For the third damn time Albert, yes I can hear you". 

A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside 

Davy Byrne's pub when he saw two youths walking by so he stops them and asks,  

'Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?'  

The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him.

'Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fran?ais?' He tries.

The two continue to stare.

'Parlare Italiano?' Still absolutely no response from the two lads.

'Hablan ustedes Espanol?' The Dublin lads remain totally silent.

The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood.  One of the boys turns to the second and says, 'Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!'

'Why?' says the youth, 'That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good!'

Wife asked her Husband what his plans are for Easter

The same as Jesus he said

What do you mean she asked

well he replyed ill disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday

thats awesome she said  if you do that then ill do like Mary..

What do you mean he asked?

 Ill show up pregnant untouched  by man ..

  A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office. 
He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?" 
She replied, "I'm having a baby." 
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?" 
She said, "He sure is." 
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?" 
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby." 
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked... 
"Then why did you eat him?"

So Johnny was in kindergarten and his teacher assigned him to learn the ABC’s so he goes home and ask his mom who’s cooking “Whats the first letter of the ABC’s?” he ask and his mom responds with “SHUT UP… I’M COOKING!” so then he walks to sister who’s signing in the shower and asks her “Whats the 2nd letter of the ABC’s?” she responds with “I’m ready to go I’m ready to go!” then he walks over to his brother who’s watching batman and asks “Whats the 3rd letter of the ABC’s” and his brother responds with “nu nu nu nu batman” then he proceeds to walk to his dad who’s watching football and ask “Dad whats the 4th letter of the ABC’s?” and he responds with “95 HIT EM HARD!” then he walks to his grandma who’s cooking buns and ask her “Whats the 5th letter of the ABC’s?” and she responds with “MY BUNS ARE RED HOT RED HOT!” then he Johnny proceeds to go to school the next day and the teacher says to her class “Can any of you tell me the first letter of the ABC’s” Johnny of course raises his hand and the teacher calls on him then he says “SHUT UP I’M COOKING!” then the teacher raises and eyebrow and says “Young man are you ready to go to the principals office?” then he proceeds to say “I’m ready to go I’m ready to go!” and he walks to the principals office then she says “What’s you’re name son?” he responds with “Nu nu nu nu batman!” then the principal ask “How many spanken’s boy?!” he responds with “95 HIT EM HARD” and after that he runs out of the principal’s office well yelling “MY BUNS ARE RED HOT RED HOT!”

This guy called up his lawyer to tell him he was filing for divorce, and the lawyer inquired as to the grounds for the suit.
"I've got grounds, all right," sputtered the irate husband. "Can you believe my wife told me I'm a lousy lover?"
"That's why you're suing?" pursued his lawyer.
"Of course not. I'm suing because she knows the difference."

A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment.  
The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding.  
She looks at her husband and asks, “What did he say?”  
The husband replies, “He said he stopped you for speeding.”  
The officer asked the elderly female for her driver’s license and she turned and asked her husband, “What did he say?  
The husband replies, “he wants to see your driver’s license.”  
The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town.  
The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst sexual experience of his life there.  
The women looks at her husband and asked, “What did he say?”  
The husband replies, “He says he knows you.”

Desmond and his wife are just waking up one morning when he grabs her butt cheek and says, if you firmed this up you could go without a girdle. She was very upset by his remark but decided to just ignore it. The next morning after they woke up he grabbed her breast and said, if you firmed these up you could go without a bra. This remark made her really mad and she rolled over and grabbed his limp dick and said, if you firmed this up I could go without the UPS driver, the butcher and your brother.

An old man is in a hospital bed attached to an oxygen tank. His wife comes to visit and asks the doctor how he is doing.

The doctor tells her that he is doing better and she could visit him but to limit the conversation because he is still very weak.

The wife enters the room and sits on his bed right next to him.
The man begins to try to say something, but his wife cuts him off.

“Honey, the doctor told me to tell you to try not to speak because you’re still weak.”

The man stills attempts to force out words, but nothing is coming out.

The wife says “ Honey, please don’t try to speak, you are weak, what are you trying to say even? Is it that you love me? If it’s that important write it down.”

His wife hands him a pen and a piece of paper.

She reads the note that he has written, and it says,

“Get up! You’re sitting on my oxygen tubes; I can’t breath.”

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hadn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah! So sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. 
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" 
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is." 
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. 
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. 
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. 
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... 
"Go get your Mother."

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.