“Dad, a girl invited me over to her house “: "Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget."And so Billy did. And he head over to the girl's place. After a chat and some drinks, things got saucy." Wait" she said, "In order to continue, you have to pass a test." She then removed her shirt, proclaiming "My breasts! Pure and untouched. Only the sun on beach days had ever had a feel of them"She then removed her skirt. "My thighs. Pure and touched by no one. Only the wind on breezy days has ever felt their softness."Finally, she removed her panties. "And last, my vagina, pure and untouched. No one has ever felt its warmth, nor the wind nor the sun. So tell me, Billy, should I let you feel my body? Are you capable to match my purity?""Sure", he claims as he pulls downs his pants, "I am so pure and untouched, my willy is still in the the wrapper"

Four Irish priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one priest says “Well, we’ve all worked together for many years, but don’t really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins.”

They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first Irish priest says “Since I suggested it, I’ll go first. With me it’s the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system.”

They all look each other again nervously, but the next Irish priest slowly starts “Well……with me, it’s gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system.”

The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says “This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system.”

They all look at the fourth Irish priest waiting. He doesn’t say anything. Then one of the four speaks up “Come now, we’ve all told our innermost faults. It’s your turn.” He looks at the others and starts hesitantly “Well….. I’m an inveterate gossip, and I can’t wait to get off this train!”

  A Policeman stopped a motorist in the middle of town one evening. Would you mind blowing in this bag please sir.

Why asked the motorist.

Because my chips are to hot replied the copper.

Married life is very frustrating.In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the 

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. 

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star." 

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid!" I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.

That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000.

In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.

Flip one off?

.....I think not.

            A little lad was digging a hole in his garden, the neighbour looked over the fence and asked what he was doing, I'm burying my goldfish, wow said the man, that's a mighty big hole just for a tiny goldfish, well said the lad, it was in your cat.

Snow White, Silvester Stallone and Osama Bin Laden are having a conversation.

Snow White says “Everybody tells me I am the most beautiful, divine woman that any man has ever laid his eyes on, but how do I know?”

Silvester Stallone says “I know what you mean. Everybody tells me I am the most muscular, hunky man that has ever lived, but how do I know?”

Osama Bin Laden says “Yes. Everybody tells me I am the most disgusting, despicable, grotesque creature that has ever roamed the earth, but how do I know?”

Snow White says “Let’s go and see the wise man!”... so off they go.

Snow White goes in first and five minutes later she comes out and says:

“It’s true. I am the most beautiful, divine woman that any man has ever laid his eyes on.”

Silvester Stallone goes in and five minutes later he comes out and says: “It’s true. I am the most muscular, hunky man that has ever lived.”

Osama Bin Ladin goes in and five minutes later he comes out and says: “Who the fu*k is this John Terry character then?“

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

A husband and wife are grocery shopping when the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.

“It’s on sale. Only $10 for a case,” he replies.

“We can’t afford it. Put it back,” demands the wife.

They continue shopping and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

“So does the Budweiser and it’s half the price,” retorts the husband.

A game warden came across a young man who happened to be duck hunting.the officer picked up a duck, slipped a finger up the ducks rear and said "Son...this is a geogia duck. Do you have a geogia hunting license?" The boy says "I dont know..let me see..yeeeaah." The officer picks up another duck and again..slips a finger up the ducks rear. he said "Son..this is a florida duck. You have a license to hunt in florida?" The boy says "I dont know..let me see..yeeeaah". Again..the officer picks up another duck and again slips a finger up the duck rear. This duck is from louisiana he says..."You have a license to hunt in louisiana?" The boy says "I dont know..let me see..yeeaah" He says. The officer is really looking stupid by now and getting agravated. He picks up a goose and once more slips his finger up the rear and says "Son...this goose is from canada..you mean to tell me you have a license to hunt in Canada?" The boy bows his head and says "I dont know..let me see..yeeaah". The aggrivated officer replies "Dang son..your hunting everywhere.just where are you from?" The aggrivated boy turns around and drops his pants and says "your so dang good..you tell me!"