Irishman, Englishman and a Russian are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the Russian. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the Russian and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the Russian"

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."

                   Bobby Charlton was asked how he thought the England team of '66 would have fared against Iceland. " I think we'd have won 1-0 " he replied. "Only 1-0?" Said the reporter. "Yes," said Bobby. "Most of us are in our 70's now!

I used to work in a pub next to a hospital and this guy walked in one day with his hospital gown on and holding a drip on a stand that was still connected to his veins.

I asked him how I could help and bizarrely he said, “Can I have 2 pints of lager, 2 pints of Guinness, 4 Jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, and 6 shots of tequila?

It’s a free country so I start to pour the drinks and put them on the bar one at a time. As I finished pouring all of the drinks he downed them in order and finished on the shots of tequila which he dispatched one at a time at a quick pace.

He then looked at me really sad and said, “I shouldn’t have drunk all that with what I’ve got.” I said, “Why what have you got?” He said, “About £3.50.”

 shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!” Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is extremely embarrassed and slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”To this, the man responds at the top of his voice, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?”

An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says “You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay. “So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks, “Do I have to take them every day?” No,” replies the doctor, “take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that. “Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?” “Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy. “I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.” “Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy, “It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.Now, I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.Aren’t older women great?They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.

A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside 

Davy Byrne's pub when he saw two youths walking by so he stops them and asks,  

'Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?'  

The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him.

'Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?' He tries.

The two continue to stare.

'Parlare Italiano?' Still absolutely no response from the two lads.

'Hablan ustedes Espanol?' The Dublin lads remain totally silent.

The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood.  One of the boys turns to the second and says, 'Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!'

'Why?' says the youth, 'That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good!'

As he goes down his route one less time everyone showers him with gifts. A watch, a new wallet, money, a farewell card from one of children. All is well, until he comes upon his last house. When he knocks a beautiful woman, scantily clad is at the door. She pulls him in and they make love in her bedroom. After they are done she makes him a cup of coffee, an omelette and some bacon. While sipping on his coffee he finds a 50 dollar bill under it. Confused he asks the woman: Miss Jones I’m flattered, but what is the meaning of this?- She answers him: Well yesterday my husband and I were discussing what to give you for your retirement. He suggested “Screw him, give him a 50”. The breakfast was my idea

• A child ask his mother: “Did you know our maid was an angel?” Mom: Why are you saying that? Child: She was standing in the kitchen yesterday, holding both her hands up in the air and screaming, “Oh my God, I’m coming, I’m coming!” If dad wasn’t there to hold her waist, she would have gone straight to heaven!

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. 
Usually she slept through the class. 

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" 

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. 

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. 

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" 

The Teacher fainted. 

Little  Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the  school playground and go into the woods.Curious,  he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane  in a
passionate embrace.

Little Johnny  found this so exciting that he could hardly  contain himself as he ran home and
started to  tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground  and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with  Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he  was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he  helped her take off her shirt...Then Aunt Jane  helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt  Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off  and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting  story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.  I want to see the look on Daddy's
face when  you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table  that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell  his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at  the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the  woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he  was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped  her take off her shirt Then Aunt Jane  helped
Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt  Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that  Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was  away on the oil rigs...'

Mummy  fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes  you need to just shut up and listen to the whole  story before you interrupt!  

Genius Dog


A butcher is busy at work when notices a dog in his shop. He shoos the dog away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and
notices that the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note which reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."


The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a
bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.


The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the
street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to
change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher
is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.


Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at
the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.


The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, stands on his hind legs and pushes the button to
stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, with the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He
walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He
goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down
the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks
back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.


The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"


"Clever, my ass," the guy responds, "This is the second time this week he's forgotten his
key!"==========================