Desmond and his wife are just waking up one morning when he grabs her butt cheek and says, if you firmed this up you could go without a girdle. She was very upset by his remark but decided to just ignore it. The next morning after they woke up he grabbed her breast and said, if you firmed these up you could go without a bra. This remark made her really mad and she rolled over and grabbed his limp dick and said, if you firmed this up I could go without the UPS driver, the butcher and your brother.

This guy called up his lawyer to tell him he was filing for divorce, and the lawyer inquired as to the grounds for the suit.
"I've got grounds, all right," sputtered the irate husband. "Can you believe my wife told me I'm a lousy lover?"
"That's why you're suing?" pursued his lawyer.
"Of course not. I'm suing because she knows the difference."

  So she goes to the local newspaper to place an ad (old I know). The ad reads: “Millionaire Widow looking for a husband, only 3 requirements:
To never hit me, to never leave me and to be well endowed.”
She goes home and early the next day she hears the door bell, goes to her master bedroom window that looks right above the entrance and looks to see who s there. She sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. She asks: what do you want? He says: I came because the newspaper ad.
Her: do you meet the first requirement?
Him: I got no arms, so I can’t hit you.
Her: do you meet the second requirement?
Him: I got no legs, so I can never leave you.
Her: what about the third requirement?
Him: how do you think I rang the door bell?

   The Devil walks into s crowded bar, when the people see who he is they start screaming and running out of the bar except for one old man. The Devil saunters over to him and says do you know who I am? the old man says yes you are the Devil, well asks the Devil are you afraid of me ? the old man looks him up and down and says I have been married to your sister for 47 years why should I be afraid of you.

A young female cashier approached the man and said to him, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men usually use, so the man went about his business in the store, slightly confused.

As he was almost done with his shopping, another man came up to him and said, "Hey buddy, your fly is open." The man promptly zipped his pants up, thanked the man, and went to finish up his shopping.

When it was time to checkout, he made sure to get into the line where the young lady was who'd originally spoken to him. Planning on having a bit of fun with her, when it was his turn to checkout, he asked her, "When you saw that my barracks door was open, did you happen to see a soldier standing at attention?"

The young lady thought for a moment, and told the man: "No, no sir I did not. I did however see a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags."

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"

The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

After making a "California Stop" at a stop sign, a man is pulled over by a patrol officer. The officer walks up to the car, gets the driver's license and registration, and tells him he was stopped because he failed to come to a complete stop at the stop sign.

The driver replies, "I slowed down. There was no one coming, so I drove on through."

The officer replies, "You are required to come to a complete stop before proceeding through the intersection."

The driver argues back. "There was no one coming. What's the big deal?"

The officer tries again. "Sir, all four wheels must cease motion before you can proceed past the stop sign."

The driver is not convinced. "If there's no one coming, then, stop or slow down, what's the difference?"

The officer asks the driver to step out of his car. Once he has done so, the officer takes out his baton and begins striking the man at various points on his upper and lower body. After 30 seconds or so of this, he pauses.

"Now, sir—would you like me to stop, or is it okay if I just slow down?"

The maid did not show up for work so the house wife called her in an angry voice and scolded her.

"What is wrong with you? If you were not to come you should have told me."

The Maid explained, “Ma’am I had already announced on my Facebook page that I was taking a trip to Mexico for a week to see my family. Ma'am you should remain updated on Facebook. If you still had a question then you should have asked."

Wife: "So you are on Facebook too?"

Maid: "Ma’am who is not? Every time I announce on Facebook your husband sends me well wishes, sympathy and help. This time he said have a nice trip home, enjoy and comeback soon as I will miss you. He pleaded, please save me from my wife’s cooking."