The nudist was acquitted of indecent exposure because nobody could pin the wrap on her.

    I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

    Why do some people hate puns? Because they are laughtose intolerant!

 I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year.

   My daughter asked me if I was having fun doing the laundry. I replied, 'Loads.'

      Ice cold coffee? Cool beans!

     They called him the king of the dentists because he specialized in crowns.

  I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

  Why do trees have so many friends? They branch out.

  I always believed my body was a prison for me. I was right, in biology I learnt they were made of cells.

   A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Did you hear about that great new shovel? It’s ground breaking.

   Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

       They come from a long line of bakers. They're inbred.

  It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

  A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.

  My fear of roses is a thorny issue. I'm not sure what it stems from, but it seems likely I'll be stuck with it.

          I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday because Monday to Friday are weak days.

     Why was Chris Martin ill after eating the snow? It was all yellow.

  I planned to find my watch today, but I didn't have the time.

  I’ve got a friend who’s obsessed with completing his Beatles collection. He needs Help.

   I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

    Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl. When she noticed me, we went for a run.

    The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.

  Beware of lumberjacks bearing dull tools. They usually have an axe to grind!

 A tourist on the London Underground asked “Could you tell me how to get to the airport via Barking?” So I pointed at a map and woofed

   Children who fail their coloring exams always need a shoulder to crayon.