Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  My fear of roses is a thorny issue. I'm not sure what it stems from, but it seems likely I'll be stuck with it.

Why did the Cornishman bring a ladder to the bar?

Because he heard the drinks were on the house!

1. I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

"I bought a pair of shoes from my drug dealer the other day. I don't know what he laced them with but I was trippin' all day."

What do you call nitrogen when the sun comes up? Daytrogen."

• I'm happy Ford didn't invent the airplane. It wouldn't have been Wright.

The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran

• Know any good rope jokes? I'm a frayed knot.

                    It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally

When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way

               What do you use to cut a Roman Emperor's hair? Ceasers.

“Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.”

           Can February March? No, but April May.

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter

Why did the lady wear a helmet every time she ate? She was on a crash diet!

               I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over

     Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

    A  cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes.

                                     Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen

               I was going to tell you a joke about infinity, but it didn't have an ending!

 "To write with a broken pencil is pointless."

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

   I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over

  Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen

Lance is an uncommon name nowadays. But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.